The 4 letter F word

It's back!

FEAR

*A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined

False Evidence Appearing Rear

but I've also heard

F**k Everything And Run

Fear is the tiny weasel who was adopted a very long time ago by the homunculus who set up camp in my head. The little bastard!

What am I afraid of? I'm afraid of everything! Well, not really. I was requested to make a fear list by the Great Sponsor. This fear list is something I have been required to write out a few times over the last 25 years. It's a suggestion in the big blue owner's manual. Maybe I noticed this before but have no recollection of a previous awareness (this could be a sign of dementia). I discovered a duality within each individual fear. For example; the fear of failure but also the fear of succeeding. The fear of never being in love or loved and the fear of being loved and in love. I understand either way, that one will have times of discomfort and pain. The biggie...because I am choosing to be celibate, I'm challenged with the fear that I will never have sex again, but then again I'm afraid of having sex again. Fear of nothing changing vs fear of everything changing. The mental masturbation that takes place within the confines of my mind is enough to make someone else declare insanity.

Hmmm, and the insanity is thinking I have anything to do with the outcome of any of my fears. I can take action but the result is not something I manufactured. There goes that control issue again. (I'm laughing).

fear, fear, fear, fear, fear,

It can always been there if I choose to live this way, The constant argument in my head is that of not getting what I want verses getting what I want. I think we know now they both scare me. What I recognize is that by turning it over, and trusting I will be given what I need and sometimes what I want. By trusting in a Divine Power I will have tempered that restless ball of energy that keeps me out of the present. My problem, I keep forgetting that it starts with my willingness to trust in Divine guidance. Thanks to the wonderful women who travel with me on this path. They remind me stop and breathe along the way. I'm lucky I haven't hyperventilated and passed out while driving when I am controlled by my fears. Actually passed out anywhere because I've run out of manna. :-) and on to the next sign of undergrowth I hope. I'm sick of this one.


Be Well
Jane

*definition of fear courtesy of the Random House Dictionary of the English Language, second edition, unabridged

Gone fishing

I can't believe that out of everything occurring in my life today I have nothing to say. It must be a time of reflection and evaluation. I suppose it means now I must listen.

Do I really want the answers I seek? ugh

Be Well
Jane

Out to lunch

I'm cleaning out my closet; metaphorically. It's time. The veil of denial is lifting. My awareness brings much sadness. It's time to teach others how to respect me. Some will go and some will stay. I've done it before and I know I will do it again.

The veil of denial has gotten thinner. I'm capable of seeing through it now because it's sheer and the sunlight is coming through. My owner's manual tells me it's the sunlight of the spirit. I tend to believe this. The sunlight of the spirit resides in all of us. The music of our inner voice.

I want to hear but then I question why do I want to hear really? Isn't it more comfortable to stay hidden behind the opaque veil of excuses I make for myself and others? Wouldn't it be more comfortable and familiar? The easier softer way. It's by no means fun to see through the murky mess of resistance and denial. I've been on this path for thirty years?

It's isn't pleasant when today in my 40's again I see that perhaps I chose to keep people in my life who I feel treat me the way I've treated myself since I was in my teens. I didn't know any other way back in 1977. I opened that door to enlightenment in 1986. I began to walk the path of enlightenment but unfortunately continued on the please like me path of people pleasing. I stayed in the dysfunctional mindset that I must tolerate any 'bullshit' that continues to come my way.

Has this cocoon of denial and people pleasing been occurring long enough? I've ignored how far I've allowed myself to disappear. I've not disappeared entirely. That's progress and how wonderful it is to progress. However, is the saying 2 steps forward and one step back really a good thing? Is the bounce back really better than the starting point? Maybe so, maybe so!

I'm painfully aware that I need to set boundaries on what is respectful behavior toward me. I have been here before. I have done this before. It doesn't make it any less painful. It doesn't make everything fine. I accept that this is another layer toward enlightenment. I realize that I am pissed off at myself for letting events take place and get as far as they have. I also feel grateful toward those who have led me here. I'm at a new level of awareness. I have a new pair of glasses and I found a new way to live.

I hate to say it but I wrote this before I received new information. I'm not a happy camper. I don't like being lied to after giving someone a chance to come clean. Nope! No more chances. I took the idiot sign off my forehead.

Be well
Jane

layers

why is it that we can't gethe answers to our quest I don't want to wait sometimes. How do we know we are doing the right thing? or spending time and energy on something that isn't going to be helpful at all. in fact it hurts us in the end. If we keep getting told that life is too short then why the fuck aren't we given some answers, or is it just me. am I too dense to see my answers? Am I looking for a burning bush instead of

this is the game, if i can't call you or text you, if my only method of communication is email. Of course that is always on your conditions too. If you've been to my house numerous times and you've never invited me to your home what does that say? If you fail to wish me a happy birthday on my birthday and knew exactly when it was what does that say? If on holidays you avoid a fucking email to me what does that say? We should pay attention to how others treat us. Is this being allowed because I don't treat myself with respect? Do I allow this because I feel I am not worth the energy or effort?

What is the function of obsession?

he reminds me of my dog Turkish. my dog has this obsession with his ball or his toy. well he's got the same pattern it's like all either one of them can see is the one thing they are obsessed over if it is in front of them. the object of their desire. Turkish's eyes never leave from the ball it is literally all he sees and he doesn't hear anything your saying to him. He texts in an obsessive manner especially in regards to anything relation to sex or his freaky taste in turns on. he doesn't stop until he gets what he wants and then he disappears gone it's his rush his high god only knows. then you have the needy puppy that's up your ass needing attention, reassurance love petting afraid of being abandoned..but he leaves first. when i think of him it feels like a warm soft blanket is wrapped around me. It feels like home. is it because of my dad? am i suppose to wait for him? like I wa suppose to wait for mk. more will be revealed but i feel burnt after one day of emmail and text bombardment. he managed to extinguish my stamina. hes fucked me over on my birthday, valentines day, new years no phone call no text no email. hmmm

Holding on to crap

There's many names for it; poop, poo poo, doo doo, ca ca, to name a few. These are the words we teach our little ones to say. I didn't think this was a subject that would be received very well. I debated even writing about it. Since I'm a bit of a risk taker (especially when incognito) I figured why not write about 'number 2'!

I've come to the conclusion that our bodily evacuation system can at times be correlated with our mental state. We're told by health professionals, psychologists, and spiritual gurus about a mind body relationship. We can create illness by our thoughts or beliefs. With this in mind, it makes perfect sense for our internal plumbing system to be included in this mind body experience. I began thinking about this in the 1980's. I was in therapy for 'codependency' issues and began understanding the concepts of hanging on, letting go and energy work. I related hanging on to constipation and scattered energy to diarrhea. With the eventual balance between the two as a normal functioning intestinal tract.

Sometimes I forget about ideas and theories I use to apply to my life. Things that have actually worked before. Hanging on to shit resurfaced in my consciousness because of a friend. We had quite a few conversations on poop. My friend started having some positive experiences and his consistency changed. I was letting go of of some of my preconceived ideas on love and my frequency changed. It's really his fault that I'm paying so much attention to this now. He most likely appreciates the blame and I'm having fun writing about it.

My sign of undergrowth continues to be about fear, control and holding on to negative thoughts. Patterns ingrained since childhood. These patterns keep me in a struggle I've worked on since I was twelve years old. Needing to keep a closed heart to protect my psyche from harm but wanting to be open and experience life. I've been afraid of losing control for most of my life. I recently read when a negative characteristic is on it's way out it will seem worse than ever. You'll see it everywhere and it falls out of control. That it can be discouraging because it is something you really want to let go of. This is the actual process of letting go. Move through it, and keep letting go every time it comes back. Eventually you will have peace where you had struggle. Mine continues to be the path of the heart.


So the next time I haven't had any movement and feel extremely bloated, it's time for me to reflect. What am I hanging on to? If my energy is scattered and I'm mentally all over the place, I'm usually experiencing a consistency problem. Time to draw that energy in and figure out why I'm 'leaking'. Toxins build up and pollute our body's as well as our minds. It's important for me to reflect at these times.

Why the hell is it so damn difficult to post if I can't see perfection!!!! If you can't read perfection! I'm sooo not there

Be Well
Jane

The path of the heart

Many years ago someone wrote a poem for me. She wrote them for many people. Maria was a healer and a friend who lived in Taos, NM. I loved the poems she wrote for everyone else in our group. I didn't care for mine. What I didn't know at the time was the truth she saw in all of us, especially me. This is what she wrote for me:

D, D,
what can I say?
A radiant child
in a golden ray.
Your eyes tell the secret
of your great light.
I look to the day
your anger takes flight.
Your suffering has brought you
your journey to start.
It's a wonderful journey
the path of the heart.

So I have broke my anonymity to a degree.
If this is what I must do to heal. So be it.
I'm still Lunarjane and the place I hope to live is...
the Northern Lights. My Aurora Borealis

Love
Jane

A turd in the punchbowl

While watching an episode of South Park last night a most amusing phrase was used to refer to a problem existing. "There's a turd in the punchbowl!" The subject was sex addiction. To name a few of the players; Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton, David Letterman, Charlie Sheen. Included in the list was some of the kids we love; Butters, Stan and Kenny. If one of the character's spoke out about something that didn't reflect the recovery model that the group believed, a leader (Pres. Obama and Dr. Karnes*) spoke into a hidden microphone "There's a turd in the punchbowl". I wish I had recorded the episode. I'm sure I missed something else.

My thought process had a field day with the use of turd as an analogy. Prior to Dr. Oz we never wanted to talk about turds or anything to do with our evacuation system. Most of us have had a bout with a consistency problem at least once in our lives. It's simply a subject that we don't want to talk about or hear about. There seems to be something in my life which is a turd in the punchbowl. Every time I fish it out and flush it down the toilet it shows back up. It's another sign of undergrowth. It is being dishonest. I've been dishonest with myself and others. I'm told by the Great Sponsor that rigorous honesty must be part of my path. It must or I will never reach enlightenment. I will never really be free.

M. Scott Peck writes in The Road Less Traveled:
we must always hold truth, as we can determine it, to be more important, more vital to our self-interest than our comfort. Conversely, we must always consider our personal discomfort relatively unimportant, and indeed, even welcome it in the service of the search for truth... Mental health is an ongoing process of dedication to reality at all costs.

Rigorous honesty is said to be one of the most important components to recovery, along with willingness and open mindedness. Honesty seems to be pressing against my consciousness because it is a topic that keeps coming up. What I hear from others and what I hear from my own mouth. Our secrets keep us shrouded in darkness and keeps those we love at bay. Never getting too close to us because we don't get any closer to ourselves. Maybe because we're really afraid to see who we are and allow others to see us. We think that opening this door will surely be the one to make us unlovable.

If I'm lying to others how can anyone trust that I'm not lying to them? This is a great lesson for me on my eightfold patch to enlightenment. This is the turd in my punchbowl.

Sex addiction kills Kenny in the South Park episode. Sex addiction can kill, as well as ruin someones life if not addressed. *Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D. is a leader in the revelation and healing from sexual addiction.

This is dedicated to a very special friend who I love and have shared my turds with! Oh yea, and I'm smoking again.

Be Well
Jane

Not again!

I need to be responsible for only myself and when it comes to others I have to mind my own business. The thought of having any control over anyone else is an aberration. The only person I have control over is myself. Sometimes that just pisses me off. I can't even control my kid.

I'm not sure why I think I know what is right for another person. I have been praying for Divine guidance to reveal to me what I need to know in each situation I struggle with. Especially in regard to other people. If what is revealed to me is something I don't like or isn't part of my value system that doesn't mean I'm any better of a person. It means I know what is right for me. The knowledge revealed to me also doesn't mean I can judge another.

I really struggle with this thinking that I know better. I don't live a morally correct or perfect life. today I read "Any attempts at manipulating the lives and minds of others only results in sabotaging my own serenity." No one in this world is better furnished to understand me than me. The only person better to understand another is their own self. In any given situation all I need to do is see what part of the problem belongs to me and what part doesn't belong to me. I have to own my own stuff, my areas of undergrowth. I started writing this blog to do exactly that and I lost direction. I do that often. Time to get out that big blue owner's manual.

God I am such a control freak! I think it's time to sit down with the Great Sponsor again. I'm seeing how much shit I'm hanging on to.

Never take life seriously, nobody gets out alive anyway! ~Anonymous

Green eyed monster

Have you ever done something profoundly stupid due to the green eyed monster?
It always begins with an irrational thought. The thought leads to a rush of feelings and you impulsively take action. Having a force take possession of your faculties is also not gender specific. Add a little alcohol to the mix and you have some one who ripped off an Alaska dog musher novelty license plate from the front of her ex boyfriends truck. She was so mad because the vehicle belonged to his female 'friend' and she was letting him use it as his mode transportation...hmmm?

Usually this behavior occurs in the adolescent. I felt like an adolescent recently. Actually, I've felt like an adolescent more than I care to admit. The object of my desire, ahhhh. More like AARRGGHH! He writes a column online and I posted a silly comment using an alias. It wasn't a bad comment, and I was stupid enough to say something that gave me away. I just wanted to make him think of me. After all, there is a sea of 'HOT' women out there.

Insecurity based in fear. Fear that you're not going to get something you want or maybe someone else is going to take it away from you. Like you ever really had it in the first place. That's the first mistake made. How do we know that someone really is good for us? Why are we so afraid of losing something that perhaps wasn't suppose to be in the first place? Something we never had. The Great Sponsor says my remedy for this sign of undergrowth is to turn my will and my life over to a Divine Power and ask for His will instead. The promise in this simple act is to be free of fear and insecurity. I can continue on the eightfold path of enlightenment. That's what I want my life to be. I will go to bed spiritually enlarged. When I wake up, I'll be turning my will and my life over to Him.

Be Well
Jane

Which way do I go

With so many areas of undergrowth I didn't know where to begin until this moment. Sunday night I started this blog on a whim. I've had the idea on one of my many lists, attached to my cork board, which is next to my computer. I had the title as well as a list of topics. I had no idea what I was going to do with this list but there it was. Waiting for life. Topics that I'm going to have to find words for and put them together to tell a story. So it stays tacked to my "maybe someday" board. Why did I even start this blog? What was I thinking? I am committed to motherhood but other than that commitment is not something I've been good at.

Well here it goes..Perfectionism. Born from yesterday's struggle in being human.

Earlier in the day I called my Mom crying (sobbing is more like it) because I felt unsure of my first post. Will my peers think it's well written, funny and grammatically correct. I spent 30 minutes on the first post and that includes the once over proof reading. My Mom gently reminded me of an old issue of mine; perfectionism. Thank you Mom for reminded me of this form of suffering. The word perfection sent my mind reeling: a flashback of all the papers that had to be written in college. "You must find your intellectual voice!" my mentor kept saying to me. I hated writing papers. I was irritated with my Professor for telling me to find my intellectual voice. What the hell was she talking about? Thoughts have always raced through my head but I had no idea how to carry them through on paper let alone inside my head. Then in grad school there were these ridiculously long papers that needed to be written. Usually one or two for each class. I needed an arsenal of fodder to help fill the pages. After all some of what I read by "scholars" was babble, used to intimidate and confuse the reader. Why can't writing be kept it simple and short? That's what I want to read. Get straight to the point.

Every paper I had to write I experienced this painful process of insecurity and perfectionism. I got pissed, I cried and I'd shout obscenities at my computer. I had to pull something out of this lazy brain to even begin a paper. I really freaked out. I also had to get all A's. This was my perfectionism at an extreme. There was no room in my mind for anything else. During that time of my life I experienced so much inner turmoil. I had to be perfect to be considered good enough. That is a hell of my own creation. I went through this until my last year in school. I discovered I love and hate to write. My brain has become lazy again. I have to work at it. Good for me!

My Mom asked, "Why do you care if anyone likes it? Do you like it?" Jeez Mom, why do you think? I want people to read it! I want my peers to like it! But she's is right. Why should my "written voice" have to be excellent in someone else's eyes or even my eyes for me to be happy? This is about enjoying my creative process. Expecting perfection in everything I do is unrealistic. It will dry up my creative source. I don't want to dry up where I don't have to! Aging does enough of that. So, I'm going to work on enjoying my creative flow and not expecting perfection today. I will be present in my life at this moment. After all, it is all I have.

I'm writing under an alias. So what's the deal? Get over yourself girl and move on to the next sign of undergrowth.



Be well
Jane

Thank you Carla Bluhm PhD..for your guidance in finding my not so intellectual voice!