The veil of denial has gotten thinner. I'm capable of seeing through it now because it's sheer and the sunlight is coming through. My owner's manual tells me it's the sunlight of the spirit. I tend to believe this. The sunlight of the spirit resides in all of us. The music of our inner voice.

I want to hear but then I question why do I want to hear really? Isn't it more comfortable to stay hidden behind the opaque veil of excuses I make for myself and others? Wouldn't it be more comfortable and familiar? The easier softer way. It's by no means fun to see through the murky mess of resistance and denial. I've been on this path for thirty years?

It's isn't pleasant when today in my 40's again I see that perhaps I chose to keep people in my life who I feel treat me the way I've treated myself since I was in my teens. I didn't know any other way back in 1977. I opened that door to enlightenment in 1986. I began to walk the path of enlightenment but unfortunately continued on the please like me path of people pleasing. I stayed in the dysfunctional mindset that I must tolerate any 'bullshit' that continues to come my way.

Has this cocoon of denial and people pleasing been occurring long enough? I've ignored how far I've allowed myself to disappear. I've not disappeared entirely. That's progress and how wonderful it is to progress. However, is the saying 2 steps forward and one step back really a good thing? Is the bounce back really better than the starting point? Maybe so, maybe so!

I'm painfully aware that I need to set boundaries on what is respectful behavior toward me. I have been here before. I have done this before. It doesn't make it any less painful. It doesn't make everything fine. I accept that this is another layer toward enlightenment. I realize that I am pissed off at myself for letting events take place and get as far as they have. I also feel grateful toward those who have led me here. I'm at a new level of awareness. I have a new pair of glasses and I found a new way to live.

I hate to say it but I wrote this before I received new information. I'm not a happy camper. I don't like being lied to after giving someone a chance to come clean. Nope! No more chances. I took the idiot sign off my forehead.

Be well
Jane