Which way do I go

With so many areas of undergrowth I didn't know where to begin until this moment. Sunday night I started this blog on a whim. I've had the idea on one of my many lists, attached to my cork board, which is next to my computer. I had the title as well as a list of topics. I had no idea what I was going to do with this list but there it was. Waiting for life. Topics that I'm going to have to find words for and put them together to tell a story. So it stays tacked to my "maybe someday" board. Why did I even start this blog? What was I thinking? I am committed to motherhood but other than that commitment is not something I've been good at.

Well here it goes..Perfectionism. Born from yesterday's struggle in being human.

Earlier in the day I called my Mom crying (sobbing is more like it) because I felt unsure of my first post. Will my peers think it's well written, funny and grammatically correct. I spent 30 minutes on the first post and that includes the once over proof reading. My Mom gently reminded me of an old issue of mine; perfectionism. Thank you Mom for reminded me of this form of suffering. The word perfection sent my mind reeling: a flashback of all the papers that had to be written in college. "You must find your intellectual voice!" my mentor kept saying to me. I hated writing papers. I was irritated with my Professor for telling me to find my intellectual voice. What the hell was she talking about? Thoughts have always raced through my head but I had no idea how to carry them through on paper let alone inside my head. Then in grad school there were these ridiculously long papers that needed to be written. Usually one or two for each class. I needed an arsenal of fodder to help fill the pages. After all some of what I read by "scholars" was babble, used to intimidate and confuse the reader. Why can't writing be kept it simple and short? That's what I want to read. Get straight to the point.

Every paper I had to write I experienced this painful process of insecurity and perfectionism. I got pissed, I cried and I'd shout obscenities at my computer. I had to pull something out of this lazy brain to even begin a paper. I really freaked out. I also had to get all A's. This was my perfectionism at an extreme. There was no room in my mind for anything else. During that time of my life I experienced so much inner turmoil. I had to be perfect to be considered good enough. That is a hell of my own creation. I went through this until my last year in school. I discovered I love and hate to write. My brain has become lazy again. I have to work at it. Good for me!

My Mom asked, "Why do you care if anyone likes it? Do you like it?" Jeez Mom, why do you think? I want people to read it! I want my peers to like it! But she's is right. Why should my "written voice" have to be excellent in someone else's eyes or even my eyes for me to be happy? This is about enjoying my creative process. Expecting perfection in everything I do is unrealistic. It will dry up my creative source. I don't want to dry up where I don't have to! Aging does enough of that. So, I'm going to work on enjoying my creative flow and not expecting perfection today. I will be present in my life at this moment. After all, it is all I have.

I'm writing under an alias. So what's the deal? Get over yourself girl and move on to the next sign of undergrowth.



Be well
Jane

Thank you Carla Bluhm PhD..for your guidance in finding my not so intellectual voice!