2 steps forward, 1 step back

I guess the bounce back is always better then the starting point.
I guess I know more about myself then I did in March of last year.
What I got out of this so far is.....
My head isn't up my keister anymore.
grrrrrr

I'm not that stupid am I

New sign of my undergrowth!

Ignoring my intuition. Ignoring what the Divine is telling me in my dreams, in feelings, in thoughts that pop out of nowhere. I asked him about this woman because her first name came up in a dream a night or two before I heard about her. She was a coworker and he lied while explaining all his running partners were coworkers. I denied what I knew to be true because I was told "I'm jumping to conclusions"!

Instead I'm rationalizing his deceptive behavior and accepting the excuses given to me. Now to find out he's been lying all this time My intuition has been validated once again. I know I'm not the only woman this has happened to. I also feel empathy and sadness for the girlfriend (that I just found out has moved into his house recently). She didn't know anything as far as I can tell. Wait a minute..I sent a card to his work that he reports never receiving. Hmmm she was his coworker at the time.

This man definitely has Antisocial Personality d/o as well as sex addiction. This is the most severe combination according to a lecture I attending recently. I wonder.. did he moved her in to his home for his benefit? He doesn't want to lose the new home Daddy cosigned for him. I know this types of person. I worked with criminal offenders feigning mental defect in order to not stand trial. The diagnosis used for these individuals is Malingering. He's a textbook example of It is so obvious to me in hindsight. How did I not see this? My thoughts about how could I be fooled are running circles in my head.

Now I'm feeling this shame that was dumped on me for questioning the existence of inconsistencies. I feel very sad and angry about this because I am a smart woman. I am shaming myself enough with the message that I was stupid for not believing my gut. That all the signs were there. I will not hide with my tail between my legs. I must get past this and allow people in. I have run away too many times and I want my heart to continue to open to life and living.

The blue owner's manual says to treat him as a sick man. Part of me can do that. Part of me can't. Is it bad that I want him to pay for his intellectual, emotional abuse as well as the violation of physical boundaries. I think that's called rape. I have learned that I will probably never have unprotected sex no matter how 'respectable' the guy is. I'm beyond angry. It's going to take a lot of prayers to let go of this. So any of my fellow humans who read this, please send some prayers my way. Right now I don't care what the blue owner's manual says or Buddha. I will keep praying until I do.

I'm not well but I'm sober
Jane

Eric Rutin 10-17-67 RIP

It's unfortunate this man has lied to me. For over a year he'd been in a relationship with me while seeing someone else. I realize writing this is surely a sign of my undergrowth. I'm aware of it.
You see I was the disposable one. She was the real one. Yes, it's painful. I trusted what Eric was telling me. I trusted the flowers were because of me. I trusted him and would have never found out about this other young woman if I hadn't been told by another mom he tried to boink too. When he was married.

People all the signs were there. I guess at my age I have become part of the women to use. The women to lie to and pretend you care deeply for them. Well this woman isn't playing fair anymore with a man like Eric. Simply need to protect the women in my group from men in Eric's group.

I still have to tell the girlfriend. I think he lives with her now. She deserves to know. He did this to his wife and you know about the guys on Jerry Springer? The baby's daddy? I'm being nice about the info I'm divulging. A leopard never changes it's spots.

I am not well but I am sober
Jane

Lies

I swore you were the last high!

by at least 100 more

I have known love like a whore

Any form of love is part of my path here on Earth.

putting it in perspective

Well here I go again Divine Power

I even tried to make excuses for this one. His addiction is one of the most difficult to master. I can't expect someone I love to repeatedly give a mate interest more than 2 chances. Why should I even consider it? I feel as though I've worn an idiot sign on my forehead for the last year. One year of saying goodbye only to say hello again more than twice.

Why did I?

I believed in my heart this person didn't understand their addiction, oh did I mention sex addiction. Yep! Here he's been in a program for sex addiction for 2 years. I realize how gullable and how Iv'e disreagarding all my intuitive feeling about a big secret existed (a big LIE)

Spring cleaning

people, when you do the spring cleaning do you find you pile up the crap from last spring? How about the people in your life? Are the ones who you needed to weed out last year still around? The people who make you feel bad about yourself? Is it how you perceive that ? Did you jump the gun on what you thought was reality and it wasn't reality at all? I keep doing that. Jumping to conclusions, assuming the meaning of a